Sweet 16?

at this point in my life i can't afford a gym member- ship. i need the gym, because if i don't work out and lift weights my ass wastes away to nothing and my belly balloons out of control. I call this malady Goat Belly, because i have crazy skinny arms and legs and a giant puff belly. (see diagram.)

anyway, i have free weights at home so that i can lift between phone calls and designing. usually i lift in the living room and watch mindless TV to help me forget that i'm lifting weights in my living room. Today i was watching Sweet 16 on mtv, which i'm not proud of, but i'm bringing up to point out the disparity between lives in america.

i'm sweating it out with my weights propped on two barstools. (i get under the bar once it's on the stools and then do lunges because it's too heavy to lift from the floor up over my head.) I'm thinking about how much it sucks that i can't just go to a regular gym where they have a machine that actually holds the weight for you and how ghetto i am that i use barstools. meanwhile, the bitches on sweet 16 are picking out jewelry for their party. their total comes to $290,000. on diamond fucking jewelry for one fucking night and they are 16 and haven't worked a day in their lives and they just spent three hundred thousand dollars on some fucking necklaces for their party.

i think i'm way beyond jealousy, here. i'm just pissed. i'm not pissed that i have to combat my goat belly with the help of barstools, i'm pissed that there are families out there that spend that much money in five minutes on their 16 year old daughters while there are whole fucking neighborhoods that could live on that for a year. or longer. is anyone with me on this?

i'm all about capitalism and living the american dream, but holy fuck, i'm also about giving 16 year old girls some LIMITS. what kind of nation are we raising? holla if you hear me...

girl can SING!

check me out, i'm saying it: i was wrong. stick with me to the end of this post, i don't say that very much.

i wanted to write this whole post on how fucking obnoxious kelis is. before i start the diatribe, i have to say that i've always given her credit where it's due because she's fucking married to the ghetto prophet Nas. so there must be something to her, i knew, i just coudln't figure out what the fuck it was. the song "milkshake" coudln't have been more painful if paris hilton sang it herself. And the sideshow bob fro really annoyed me, too. I talk about the inner rage thing i feel sometimes, and the milkshake beat and orange explosion fro made it stir inside me. so i went to youtube.com to see the bossy video to get some good ammo on why she was annoying. I was going to make a joke about "prince called and he wants his hair back" or some shit. but she made me change my mind. kelis can SING.

first of all, she's MAD HOT on the bossy video. the shiny new hair is hot. all her shiny silk clothes look hot. and she sounds good, once you get past the 808 thing. (yeah, yeah, we know about the 808. thanks for mentioning it a thousand times.) so my mind started changing.

then i checked out her song "trick me" which i hadn't ever heard. it's good. i'm listening to it right now. but can she really sing? if lindsay lohan can sound good in the studio, i'm sure they can hook kelis up, too.
so i listened to her live version of "get along with you" and she done proved me wrong. Kelis has a gorgeous voice, without the benefit of the studio. she has that breathy sort of sex voice that i'm sure made nas call her just to hear her voicemail. so i was wrong. i was the exact hater she is talking about in Bossy, and i take back all the shit i've talked about her. except for the part about milkshake. that song sucked. but the rest of her (including her diamond grill, lee) are all kinds of fine. that's all.

i can't hang

last night we went out with some friends. we ordered a cab from our usual place and they sent a giant escalade with hater vision and a dope sound system, and told us that they would only charge us for the regular towncar. they lied. $65 later we had made the seven minute drive SOOOO not worth it but there was nothing i could do and that set the tone for me to be unreasonably pissed at everyone for the rest of the night.
here are the things i unreasonably freaked out about and at:

1. my boyfriend

a. he went to the bathroom where guys were doing coke and didn't get us a 20 sack. (note: i HATE coke, and have no idea why i would be pissed that he didn't hook us up. it's like if he was in the bathroom and saw someone torturing kittens and i said "why didn't you get US a kitten to torture you bastard?")

b. he wanted to dance with me and i said "i dance alone" which is my favorite thing to say to people who want to dance with me because it's true. i dance alone. but i didn't have to be such a bitch about it.

2. annoying emaciated white girls dry humping the air and each other on a podium thing on the dance floor. it's one thing to dance with your girl on a podium, but another thing to look like you are actually humping something invisible. the really emaciated one kept doing this hip thing that was like a dog actually humping, not sexy ass shaking at all. i was feeling inner rage about it.

3. people kept bumping into me. it was a crowded club, and everytime someone would bump into me, which was like every three seconds, i would turn around and glare at them and hope that they would try to fight me. no one did.

in the end, we got into a cab and i blacked out. the only thing i remember after getting into the cab is eating the crumbs out of the bottom of a bag of plantain chips in my kitchen. then total blackness. and i think i took a sleeping pill so i'm lucky i came out of the blackness at all.

basically the moral of the story is that i hate alcohol and i never have fun when i drink, i just get angry. going out used to be a thursday evening to monday morning fiasco. i used to go for actual days doing drugs and dancing and inevitably ending up either at a house party playing dominos or, sad to say, at the EndUp.

now i go out and have three drinks and hate everyone around me, blackout, wake up the next morning feeling guitly and hungover, and then try and kill the hangover by eating all the food in the city which makes me feel fat and then i'm pissed off all weekend. what happened to me?

do i clown her or feel sorry for her?

I was just at the store picking up a new teapot because i burned the shit out of the old one. I have this bad habit of leaving things on the stove and forgetting about them, especially teapots because I hate the sound of the boiling kettle whistle, so i take the top off the spout and the thing boils for four hours and starts burning before i realize it. (yeah, metal can burn. who knew?)
anyway, the girl at the store was one of those 100 lb girls with 50 lbs of makeup on her bobble head, with a ring on every finger and chintzy $3 nail tips. Which is fine, i'm not one to judge a girl based on her appearance (although it might be hard to tell from all my posts, i'm a very accepting and empathetic person. seriously.) But when she opened her mouth to ask "credit or debit?" i noticed she had fake diamonds GLUED TO HER TWO FRONT TEETH!! what. the. fuck.
Don't get me wrong, here, i fully plan on doing a small Mary J. diamond on one of my side teeth to comemorate my first million. maybe even my first $100 grand. i really like a little rock (non-DeBeers non-conflict diamond, mind you) in a tooth. But this girl had those crystal rhinestones you get to Paris Hilton-ify your Sidekick glued to her front teeth. and you could see the glue. Half of me felt REALLY sorry for her and wanted to forget the whole incident immediately and never say anything about it to anyone out of respect for the poor girl. The other half of me wanted to call someone the minute i stepped outside the store and be like holy fuck guess what i just saw.
So i'm doing the best of both worlds. I'm telling the entire blogosphere, and then i'm never speaking of it again.

nelly furtado is wack

I had to bring this post back up because i was once again forced to listen to "Promiscuous Girl" on the radio. At the end of the song Nelly Furtado says "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
a fucking promiscuous one, bitch!

i just have to rant a little, to help calm the annoyance i feel inside every time i hear this fucking song. Promiscuous means slutty. it means you a ho. it means you get it thrown to you on the regular. it means that random dudes get to tax your ass like the government. It does not mean that you got game or are attractive, desireable, sexy etc.

Here's the old post, just for fun:

I was just forced to listen to Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous Girl" on the radio (because it's so goddamn hot here that the cd player in my car won't work.) The song is the WORST thing ever. the lyrics are painful and her voice is painful and she's a mother talking about being promiscuous like it's synonymous with sexy.
Nelly Furtado used to be fine. She was kind of mysterious and looked ethnic somehow even though she's from Canada. Then she disappeared to have a baby or whatever and came back looking old, hardened and like Vanilla Ice.

these things are all true 1-20

1. i hate it when people waste food.
2. i'm scared i'll never be satisfied.
3. i fucking love meat but feel guilty eating it.
4. i'm a lucky bitch.
5. if my mascara is making my eyelashes clump together I can't leave the house until I separate them all.
6. i'm afraid i won't lead a significant life.
7. i love dave chapelle
8. OJ did it.
9. i'm allergic to gluten
10. i can't remember names of boring people. i'm sorry, but it's true. if you have no personal style and no salient feature or funny personality, you will be filed away with all the other boring white people i've met.
11. i hate carpet. it's fucking gross.
12. the suburbs are my personal hell.
13. i cry at Extreme Makeover, Home Edition. I love it when good things happen to good people.
14. I cry EVERY time i hear the national anthem.
13. and 14. are the only times i really ever cry.
15. I had no electricity or running water in my house until i was five.
16. i hate that there are people suffering around the world that i can't help.
17. i love the shit out of chanel make up.
18. i can't sit still.
19. i have crazy insomnia
20. george bush is a pathetic motherfucker.

kate moss is disappointing me.

Kate Moss is probably my favorite supermodel. (okay, after naomi campbell.) i don't care that she got caught doing lines in someone's studio instead of taking care of her daughter. anyone surprised that kate moss was a coke head was probably also surprised that lance bass was gay. but i have to say, kate has been kind of disappointing lately.


now don't get me wrong, i love kate moss. I don't care what anyone says, heroin chic is hot, skinny models are hot, and kate moss is hot. except in real life.

in real life she looks like a wack East Ender with scary english teeth and makes me want to do a "tragedy of" about her. The problem is that she looks consistently hot as a model, so i can't show her gradual crumble into trash. It's like she's two people: 1) the fucking hot model that makes coke seem like a good idea, and 2) the disgusting trash that makes you hate yourself for ever doing coke.
so in her honor i've come up with a new weekly post called "the mystery of..." which i will write in addition to "the tragedy of" segments that i love. so here is the inaugural "mystery of" post, dedicated to kate moss' crazy ass. She looks like this:
but she has sex with this:

how does shit like this happen? it's the mystery of kate...

porn

okay, i have to do it. My friend the hot asian started it, and it's fucking hilarious. I'm sure everyone knows the rules: you create your porn name from your first pet's name and the name of the first street you lived on. Mine would be Chipper Dakota, which is dope and basically fucks up every one else's porn name.
For the sake of everyone's entertainment, anyone who reads this is formally invited to leave their porn name here. Remember, this is for the sake of archiving and entertaining the masses world wide. how can you say no?
do it...you know you want to!

it's time for another "tragedy of..." segment

I write about tara reid quite a bit because she's a trainwreck and she's fun to be appalled by. Because of this, I am honoring her with her very own "tragedy of" post:

muthafuckkin kitlers, bitch!

KITLERS! also check out the "we hate kitlers" part of the site, people take this so seriously and get so angry and are like "how can you compare poor innocent cats to a nazi, that's so mean to the cats." There's one girl who says:

I feel for the first time in my life that I have no sense of humour: no cat deserves any connection with Hitler. (am not Jewish, but would quite like to be, but I do really like cats)
- Alison

she's jus scrambling to make sure that everything she says it totally pc, i'm not jewish but i don't hate jews i mean i love jews but i'm not one, but i wish i was and i like cats...wtf? she sounds retarded taking it so seriusly. it's a fucking site with cats that look like hitler, it's funny that they are called kitlers, and this is in no way commending the nazis. get over it. it's just funny that some cats look like hitler.

Sterling made me crazy

click on the images if you want the Suburban DC craziness pictures to get bigger.

check this shit out. this is a hotel, but i'm pretty sure i need one in my yard. if i had a yard.

britney spears HAS to do more coke than whitney houston. that is the only possible excuse for her being the...

WACKEST BITCH EVER!!
Usually when I think about doing coke or something i get this really gross/anxious/sick feeling in my stomach. watching this video makes me feel the same way.

some letters

dear everyone,
please don't eat samples from the trays at the grocery store. it's fucking disgusting and you look gross doing it.
Thank you,
Dee

dear chihuahua,
if you have to pee while i'm gone, do it on the tile.
Best Regards,
dee

dear temazepam,
i love you and i want to thank you for my delicious night's sleep last night. i would like to keep doing it every night, if possible. just don't tell my boyfriend.
your humble addict,
dee

Whalerider

I don't really know what the rules are on taking an image off of the internet and posting it on my blog. if it's illegal or it infringes on some copyright law or something, then this picture is well worth whatever punishment i'm going to get for posting it. Do you worst, legal system. This picture is SOOOO worth it.

no sleep zombieface

i hate you insomnia. hate you hate you hate you. I haven't slept a whole night through in i don't know how long, probably since 1982, if i even managed to back then. I took temazepam for two nights in a row this week because i couldn't take it any more and am not even a human being in the morning because i spend all night half awake half groggy but with adrenaline coursing through my viens in flight or fight mode with my mind on a retarded thought loop of some studpid shit over and over again looking at the sheets, the blinds, the nightstand. But i can't just embrace the insomnia and get up to do something else besides sleep like watch tv or do work because then any chance i have of somehow drifting off to sleep will totally be lost and i'll be worthless in the morning. mother fucker.
so i didn't take temazepam last night because i'm determined to sleep like a normal human being but instead i slept like a tweaker which means i didn't sleep at all and was half awake grinding my teeth and talking to myself in my head which probably means i'm insane.

nanwI'

seriously. this blog is in klingon.

if you can't read any of it: 1. congratulations, you probably had sex in high school, and 2. you can go here and learn it.

and nanwI' means fourth toe, by the way. they have a fucking word for the fourth toe. we don't even have that in english. we just call it the fourth toe and i don't see why it even needs it's own name.

and they have a word that means "to use the fourth toe". It's nan. what the fuck do you even use the fourth toe for? or any toe separately from the other toes?

nose job?

today i am so sore i can hardly move because i did the ab class at the village and this morning i ate three hundred pieces peices i can't spell that word ever of wheat free bread and now feel like i might be the most breadiest bitch ever.

I'm never buying wheat free bread again because i'll just fukkin eat it all all all. in five minutes.

then i had lunch with my business partner and had salmon and it was delicious and then i tried to drive home without passing out from the leaky fuel injectors in my car that are trying to kill me. luckily i made it.