so chihuahuas apparently have this thing where they get erections that don't go away for, like, a month, and you have to take them to the creepy small animal hospital when you get back from canada and find out that the tip of their month-long-erection penis has become frost bitten from being in the cold.

when you take the chihuahua to the creepy animal hospital, the hilarious nurse with the voice exactly like Rosie Perez says "Aw, his name is Biggie Smalls? Well we know what's big right now, don't we!"

then you have to have the chihuahua sedated because, well, it SUCKS to have someone stuff your penis back into your body, i guess.

then you get a syringe of KY Jelly and are taught how to stuff the penis back in if necessary. hell no. i'm calling rosie perez the minute that shit comes out again. biggie and i have to look each other in the eye for at least another ten years and there's no way the penis syringe shit is going down.

also apparently when you sedate a chihuahua its tongue sticks out of its head like the 2007 world's ugliest dog and it's the funniest thing of all time.

OCD closet

do NOT fuck with my closet.

i was just at a wedding last week in Canada and had to mess some shit up in order to pack. that's why there are piles of things on the table at the bottom. the table is a temporary place to put things, things do not go on the table permanently or i get a little OCD freakshowish and have to put them Where They Belong and dust off the table immediately. my man has his own closet in the small room between the living room and the office. Man Clothes fuck up the flow.


g-strings? check. shoes? check. new camera that i can finally put in my acme made camera case i've had for no reason for two years? check. tramadol and xanax or so help me god shit will go wrong? check.





i suck at taking pictures at weddings, even with a new camera that i'm excited to use. this is really the only one i got that isn't a grainy dark lame red-eyes for everyone attempt.


i shared a room with my hot stepsister and her adorable daughter. we ordered breakfast in bed and watched kung fu panda. then we had champage. not bad. the only negative was the 30 below temp. what. the. fuck. i can't believe people live like that and not go totally insane. i went out to start my stepbro's truck without a coat on and almost died of hypothermia in the driveway. i suck at winter so bad.

nom nom nom

could this sound more like an advertorial? jesus, sorry, just let me vent some flagrant consumerism for a minute.

i used to have this thing...i really liked it a lot...it was, let's see if i can remember the word...a WAIST? A waist. that sounds right. it used to look really good with this other thing i used to have...an ass. sigh. too much computer work is robbing me of the best (looking) years of my life.

today i was IMing with a friend about my major struggle to not buy these four perfumes:

viktor & rolf, flowerbomb. in a pink crystal grenade. with the best marketing campaign EVER. how much do i sound like xiaxue? super chio bottle la?!

i got a sample of this from sephora when i ordered the two skincare items i can not live without, and i have to sell crack or a kidney on the black market to get them i will so help me god, and was totally surprised by how delicious it was. it has notes of carmelized popcorn, which sounds more like how a sticky soccer mom minivan smells and less like a "pure. precious. modern" woman smells, but actually it's the shit! i'm in love. dear miss dior cherie, you are so getting bought and owned today.

chance is the old standby. i'm not sure if i'm still in love with it or if i just feel like i have to have it again, because, well, i always have it.

and gucci II, my other favorite.

my friend was saying how she'd resent the perfumes if she ended up spending that much dough on them. that they'd stare at her from the dresser and remind her what a waste of money they were. i had the complete opposite thought: i would arrange them OCD style on some kind of mirror or plate and bask in the sense of completeness i felt from having them all together at one time for my personal use and enjoyment. i have a really hard time deciding between things i want. i think it comes from my childhood where i had plastic windows, shitty clothes, bad hair and no money. don't get me wrong, i'm happy for having been raised ugly and poor - that's where i got my winning and captivating personality. i never got to rely on my looks or family loot, it was straight up intelligence and humor with which i clawed my way to the top (of the high school social ladder, anyway.) then i got older and somehow ended up being kind of hot. which was nice.

it was once i went off to college and gained control of my personal finance that i learned i didn't have to decide between the brown shoes and the black shoes, i can have all the shoes. i will never forget the moment in Macy's, trying on shoes with the usual sadness and sense of poverty that i always had when shopping, that i realized i could have both fucking pairs and the world would not end and i'd still somehow manage to eat that day. (although eating in college was pretty optional anyway...raise your hand if you feel me on the college anorexia...) anyway, deciding not make the choice was an awesome feeling.

how does a poor girl from a hippie commune end up obsessing over L.A.M.B. shoes, perfume, and titties? i have no idea. just one of many Total Contradictions that people have been pointing out to me lately.