the $426 ceasar salad.
also known as the worst fucking way to spend $426 ever.
ingredients:
1 drunk ass roommate
1 nasty ass 7-11 caesar salad
1 chihuahua who would eat itself to death given the chance
1 day off not spent at home. (the first day off in recent memory)
instructions:
1. preheat house to 100 degrees.
2. have drunken roommate buy some shitty food for himself in the middle of the night.
3. drunken roommate should pass out in bed in the middle of eating the gas station food. Allow most of it to fall to the floor.
4. make sure drunk ass roommate's door is not shut completely when he goes to work. important note: roommate must be too hung over to clean up food.
5. be completely oblivious to steps 1-4
6. take the day off and kick it by the pool with your girls. have champagne. think that all is right with the world.
7. come home at 10pm to a basketball shaped chihuahua. (chihuahua should be round enough to not be able to sit. poke with finger to see if done.)
8. rush chihuahua to the emergency vet. it is very important to be unaware of steps 1-4 or the $426 will not get spent.
9. wait in a panic in cold emergency office until 1:30 am while x-ray, blood tests, and various injections are given to chihuahua.
10. text all roommates to see if they fed anything to the chihuahua. be told no. (again, being told no is very important or end result could be ruined.)
11. have vet recommend inducing vomiting due to large, distended stomach visible in x-ray.
12. wait for chihuahua to vomit while pinched nerve in back goes off. avoid taking painkillers in vet's office or you may be referred to as that junky with the round chihuahua.
13. be told by the vet tech that your chihuahua is vomiting up piles of lettuce. think this is strange.
14. ten minutes later be told by vet tech that your chihuahua is vomiting up large chunks of unchewed, undigested chicken.
15. ten minutes later be asked by laughing her ass off vet tech if it is possible that your chihuahua was exposed to a large chicken ceasar salad because it is now vomiting up parmesan sprinkles.
16. pay $426 for three hours of emergency vet care.
finishing touch: go home and be told about steps 1-4 by drunk ass roommate, who says he wanted to say something earlier but was too much of a pussy.
serve at 2am with a glass of champagne, a xanax, and a sleeping mask.
ingredients:
1 drunk ass roommate
1 nasty ass 7-11 caesar salad
1 chihuahua who would eat itself to death given the chance
1 day off not spent at home. (the first day off in recent memory)
instructions:
1. preheat house to 100 degrees.
2. have drunken roommate buy some shitty food for himself in the middle of the night.
3. drunken roommate should pass out in bed in the middle of eating the gas station food. Allow most of it to fall to the floor.
4. make sure drunk ass roommate's door is not shut completely when he goes to work. important note: roommate must be too hung over to clean up food.
5. be completely oblivious to steps 1-4
6. take the day off and kick it by the pool with your girls. have champagne. think that all is right with the world.
7. come home at 10pm to a basketball shaped chihuahua. (chihuahua should be round enough to not be able to sit. poke with finger to see if done.)
8. rush chihuahua to the emergency vet. it is very important to be unaware of steps 1-4 or the $426 will not get spent.
9. wait in a panic in cold emergency office until 1:30 am while x-ray, blood tests, and various injections are given to chihuahua.
10. text all roommates to see if they fed anything to the chihuahua. be told no. (again, being told no is very important or end result could be ruined.)
11. have vet recommend inducing vomiting due to large, distended stomach visible in x-ray.
12. wait for chihuahua to vomit while pinched nerve in back goes off. avoid taking painkillers in vet's office or you may be referred to as that junky with the round chihuahua.
13. be told by the vet tech that your chihuahua is vomiting up piles of lettuce. think this is strange.
14. ten minutes later be told by vet tech that your chihuahua is vomiting up large chunks of unchewed, undigested chicken.
15. ten minutes later be asked by laughing her ass off vet tech if it is possible that your chihuahua was exposed to a large chicken ceasar salad because it is now vomiting up parmesan sprinkles.
16. pay $426 for three hours of emergency vet care.
finishing touch: go home and be told about steps 1-4 by drunk ass roommate, who says he wanted to say something earlier but was too much of a pussy.
serve at 2am with a glass of champagne, a xanax, and a sleeping mask.
posted by dee goldie at 2:58 PM
9 Comments:
yeesh
moral of the story:
if you are ever going to eat a chicken cesar salad from the 7-11 be sure to microwave the chihuahua before eating
something like that. but with less putting the chihuahua in the microwave and more putting your leftover food in the god damn refrigerator.
I would be very angry. I hated when I had to live with a roommate...ugh. He was an ex and a jerk and would bring his chicks over and screw them as loud as he could to try and make me jealous or pissed.(like he wasn't, pffft, I screwed him and knew how he really sounded) Then he would crank up the "Rocky" theme in the morning and workout...jsafhlka;ffjof!!!!!
Thank God I got married and now can control my roommate. ha!
damn, 'eye of the tiger'? at least he didn't play it WHILE he was fucking the girls.
i hate having roommates. they are nice guys, but they are up every fucking night drinking and making beats in the "studio" until 4am and then the first thing they do in the am is grab a 40oz from the fridge. our fridge looks like that video for 'nuthin but a g thang'. although we didn't even have a fridge when i moved in, so i guess that's an improvement. damn i'm living ghetto fabulous right now. my sunglasses are worth more than my rent.
YES! Eye of the Tiger and "Rush Rush" by Paula Abdul. That was his subliminal way of telling me he still loved me...freak.
GhettoFab, hahaha! When you get too upset about money and such, take a lovely walk in your hot glasses and the cares will melt away. :)
wow, nothing says love like rocky.
and remember when paula abdul was a singer and not a word slurring pillhead? (if you can't you might be too young to read this blog). Those were the days.
oh, and the sunglasses definitely help. so WHAT if i'm starving...they're GUCCI.
I have found having been where you are, that the starvation diet is the best and quickest way to get Hollywood thin. But, I was doing blow at the time too and that REALLY is the best diet...
But Gucci, sexy starving baby!
blow is the best diet EVER.
no, seriously. best. diet. ever.
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