you can be a shorty in my ill convoy: February 2007

dear sarah silverman,

dear sarah silverman,
PLEASE give up. you can not make a career out of saying vagina and making fun of people with aids, carlos mencia already tried to do the shock value humor thing and we all know how funny he is.
every time i hear your nasally voice spouting annoying cliches on television it makes me feel the kind of rage that i normally save for jared leto's worthless ass, and i really don't have the energy to be that annoyed by more than person.
Yours truly,
Dee

the oscars are boring

I watched the oscars for the first time ever. i realized i wasn't missing anything. even vicodin doesn't help the oscars be interesting, unfortunately. The outfits were pretty boring, i was surprised at the small amount of shit talking i was able to do.

i'm recovering from surgery and it's less painful that i thought but still painful, especially on the left side. it's kind of like someone is sticking hot needles into my nipple. which is as bad as it sounds. i guess that's what happens as the working parts inside the nipple stretch and regrow and just typing it is disgusting me. i was excpecting burning pain, or aching pain, or pressure pain, but this searing needle shit is really annoying and unexpected.

in other news, how can anyone think pink isn't hot?

these shoes are three hundred fucking dollars

My friends Nicole and Dorsey showed me this amazing shit. you may have already seen it, but if you are like me and don't know about cool cutting edge underground comedy sketch making white guys from LA, then you haven't seen this. Trust me, even if you are busy you have 3 minutes and 51 seconds to check this out.

everyone needs to relax about the titties

i have been met with quite a bit of resistance about the new boobs. I think there is a general misconception about fake boobs and i would like to take a minute to point out the reality of the situation.

Misconceptions:
1. fake boobs have to be ENORMOUS.

as beautiful in the inside as the scoreland babes may be, they are not what i'm aspiring to look like. No offense, Dusty and Minka, but your boobs are too big for my taste.
please see exhibit a, below:

and exhibit b:

Both of these women have their augmentations done with my Dr. and are about my size. (5'6" 115 lbs.) Ex A has 300 cc's filled to 325 and Ex B has 325 filled to 375. I will be somewhere in between. So chill out.

2. Getting fake boobs means i'm insecure and don't think of myself as attractive. I think i'm hot, i have high self esteem, i love myself, and i am not getting boobs for anyone but me OR to make myself feel better about myself. I just want to have bigger boobs, for the love of god. i have wanted to have them since i was ten years old and now that i have the means to make it happen i will be goddamned if i am going to pass them up.

3. fake boobs have to look fake.

Please be assured that my tits will not look like victoria beckham's. Having giant spherical tits that defy gravity on top of your breastplate are a choice, not an effect of breast augmentation. one doesn't have to order the perfectly round silicon, there is always the low profile under the muscle choice, and i'm making it.

4. i will suddenly be an uber-sexual whore bag who dresses like a stripper.

i will never ever ever be caught dead in a mesh shirt with star shaped pasties on my nipples. ever. just because i want to love my boobs does not mean i want to start showing them off to every motherfucker around. they are mine and mine alone and i will love them every day while at the same time hiding them under my usual bra, tank top, tracksuit jacket and occasional puffy vest. so you'll be lucky if you ever even get to see them is the point.

Is summary, let me just say that i am really looking forward to fulfilling my childhood dream of having enough breast to fill a pretty bra. am i hot now? yes. will i be a different person when i have fake boobs? no. but if i can have boobs like the ones below, why not?