I couldn't possibly want this ring more than i already do. it might be the most coveted thing in dee goldie history. someday it will be mine, and i don't care who gets robbed or what gets sold to make it happen. don't worry, i'll let you know when it all goes down.

Yesterday may have been the most anxious day of my life. i had to buy a car (i know, who needs a fucking car?), send out my resume and online work samples to every single person on the internet looking for a fashion/graphic designer/someone to get coffee/coke slanger/pretty face to actually afford the car, pack up the entire apartment alone - which is annoying because i live with a packrat that still has in his posession every single scrap of paper and pencil nub and book and wrapper and random ass peice of shit that he has ever laid his hands on (and i'm the total opposite, i could live in a bare room with a candle and my computer and feel like the place was too cluttered), shuffle money around to pay bills (it's especially hard to shuffle money that doesn't exist...i could really use a government bailout right about now.), and clean the apartment as i'm packing - that annoying kind of cleaning that you only do when you seriously have to, like vacuuming under the couch and shit. (do you all vacuum under the couch on the regular? because i don't. obviously.) we have to be out of this place on the 30th which is in, what, thirty seconds?

my mind was doing an amazing job of staying heroically calm, but physically i was having a fucking meltdown. My heart was racing, my chest was tight, and my lungs were hardly working. i think i was drowing in adrenaline. I can really only compare it to the time I almost ODed at a house party at around 10AM while playing dominoes with a table full of hoodlums and this 40 year old crystal meth smoking woman who was a Domino master and kept shutting everyone down. There were mountains of yosh on tables everywhere and i never say no and then my chest started to seize up and i had to walk outside in the sun to calm down. mom, i'm sure these are the posts that you love.

after trying to tough it out for a few hours i made enough valerian tea to kill a mental ward and when that didn't work i ate a bottle of xanax. i think i'll just start with the xanax next time. I know my life is pretty fortunate, i don't have any kids, i'm not addicted to anything, i'm healthy, i don't have to work with Taylor from the Rachel Zoe project (god i hope it's the editing that makes her look like such a bitch or else she is seriously an EPIC cunt) etc, but shit is relative, you know what i mean?

anyway, today is going better.